As someone who used to spend hours in stores deciding between two shirts or pairs of jeans—trying them on repeatedly, looking in the mirror, examining from every angle the mirror (or my flexibility) would allow, then sweating, getting frustrated, and ultimately buying nothing—I’m here to tell you that the decision-making process is a million times simpler than we think (or “feel”). Yes, even for decisions more significant than ‘which jeans to buy.’
Imagine yourself, or the former me, second-guessing everything, facing dilemmas like:
Should I leave my military career without a plan for after discharge? Should I come out of the closet? To whom? When? How? What should I study—university or photography? Non-stick pan or regular? Should I leave the home that doesn’t accept me? Where to? How and when? Should I rent alone or with roommates? Black or gray dresser (which will show less dust)? Should I start working at this company? Should I quit now when I’m miserable there? Should I enter into a relationship with him? And after 3 years—should I break up? During COVID—should I drop everything and go back home? Leave the city? And now what—leave the country and start my life from zero?…
As I wrote at the beginning—making a decision is actually very simple. We’re not really torn about buying the red shirt or the blue one, the slightly tight medium or the large, non-stick or regular pan, and we’re not really conflicted about getting divorced, coming out, moving countries, or whether now is the time to buy a house.
The truth is we know what we want from the start. The mere fact that a certain idea enters our mind in various thoughts and then turns into a “dilemma” is itself a sign that we’ve already made a decision. But then… oh then… that’s when the voices come in, and from that point on, we call it “deliberation.” And why? So we can tell ourselves we’ve thought about it extensively, so we feel good about not being impulsive or inconsiderate.
And what are these voices? These voices are anxiety, and they come to protect us in a way. Just like in primitive times—I’m in the jungle and suddenly a lion appears. It’s clear I must kill it or it will kill me, but… (voices…) “What will happen?”
In today’s modern era, our brains identify ‘modern dangers’ like that lion back in the jungle, and when we realize we’re really suffering at work because the boss and team are mistreating us and we need to quit (the decision), the protective voices send us a flock of ravens cawing “What will happen?”—How will I make money? The job market is terrible—maybe I should wait a bit longer? Not working for a while will ruin my relationship… and many more thoughts and anxieties about things that haven’t happened yet, and probably won’t. Of course, with a sensible action plan, you can preemptively overcome most anxieties and problems that might arise. Preparation like job hunting before leaving your current position and discussing your decision to quit with your life partner can always pave the way and make what comes after the decision easier.
And until you reach a point where you feel more comfortable making decisions without “overthinking,” remember that in most cases, there’s no such thing as a “100% right decision.” Every choice we make will have various consequences, for us or those around us. Just make a decision based on the one percent that feels more right to you—in a “dilemma,” tip the scales toward the option that’s 51% right for you. Feels a bit more reassuring, doesn’t it? Notice how the ravens are calling to you less now?
With time and proper work with a professional, you’ll learn to listen to yourself instead of the voices and be much more confident and at peace with the decisions you make.
The worst thing you can do to yourself is remain passive and not make a decision at all.
And most importantly—remember that life is like a movie or a theater play. You are the director, producer, and actor, and you decide the script and what happens next. But this movie or play—it’s happening right now, in these moments. You can’t stop it, there are no breaks for soda and popcorn, and you can’t press “pause” and rewind.
Life is happening now, and if you’re 35 or older, you’ve probably passed the halfway point more or less, and all that’s left is to decide how you want the rest of your life to look.
Good luck.
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